Am I Really Feeling Better?

After enduring over a decade of chronic depression, finding relief feels almost surreal. Reflecting on my journey reminds me that I have reliable tools to lean on and gives me confidence that I’ll be able to tackle obstacles down the road.

Chronic depression has been my life for the past 12 years. I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve struggled with depression symptoms for the vast majority of the past decade, with only a week or so of reprieve between months of struggling.

The past 2 months — for the first time since I was 14 years old — I’ve felt my depression symptoms subside. No more dreading getting out of bed. No more struggling to find motivation to do even the things I love. No more urges to isolate myself from friends and family. I feel … good?

I keep finding myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. When will my symptoms return and drag me back down to the depressed pit with which I’ve grown so familiar? Living with long-term depression made me forget what it feels like to be mentally healthy, and I’m scared that it will come back with a vengeance.

That being said, I’m holding on to hope that my depression, when it does return, will not drag me down for as long as it once did. Perhaps all the hard work I’ve put into healing is actually working — shocker!

Here’s a reflection on my hopes, my fears, and everything I’ve done to improve my mental health over the past year.

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Feeling anxiously hopeful

Don’t get me wrong. It feels amazing to feel better. But at the same time, I’m scared. Part of the reason why the past few months have felt so healing is because I’ve had the space to work less and focus more on recharging and pursuing my passions.

I’m scared that I will backslide into depression once I start my new job and can’t spend the majority of my time doing things that make me feel good. 

Chronic depression sucks, and one of the worst aspects is that, over the years, it’s become part of my identity and personality. Who am I if I’m not depressed?

It’s hard to let go of the emotions and thoughts I experienced for so long because they’re so familiar. And because they’re so familiar, it feels like my depression is waiting right around the corner, ready to pounce on me and take me back to that place.

But I also have to face the facts — this is the longest period of time that I’ve felt my depression symptoms almost entirely cease. Even during summer breaks from school and marvelous travels, the depression had a firm grip on me.

The lack of depression for these past few months makes me feel cautiously hopeful. Maybe I won’t be completely depressed for my entire life. Sure, the depression will likely return at times. I’d be naive if I thought it was gone for good. But I know now that I can fight it and, even better, I wrote myself a guidebook to do just that. 

How I got myself to a better mental space

I’ve had a therapist since I was 14 years old, but only in the past year or so have I figured out actionable things I can do to improve my mental health. All the hard work has finally begun to pay off. Here are some of the steps I’ve taken that I believe resulted in my feeling better.

Facing change head-on

Depression makes you feel stuck — like you’ll never escape the terrible thoughts, painful emotions, and unpleasant life circumstances. Since 2020, I’ve been a freelance writer, and this career path has taken a toll on me over the years.

I love writing when I get to express myself, discuss my passions, and bring light to important topics. But the low pay rates and keeping up with my own business grew tiresome. A few months ago. I felt completely stuck in my healing journey and hated my day-to-day life because I lost my passion for my job.

Instead of sticking with it and feeling like nothing could ever change, like my depression told me, I did the opposite. I began to search for other jobs that aligned with my interests — art and child care. I went through a stressful hiring process and landed a job as an art teacher at a summer camp and an after-school program teacher.

After choosing to switch careers, I felt empowered to take charge of my life and proud of myself for telling my depression’s opinion to kick rocks. I followed my intuition, and that changed everything for me. 

Discovering and pursuing my passions

Last winter, I was in a dark place and was admitted to a partial hospitalization program to treat my depression. At the same time, I decided to sign up for a ceramics class at a local community art center. That class changed my life.

I’ve always loved art but never found the avenue I wanted to dedicate myself to and spend all of my time doing. After just one class, I realized clay is that for me. Engaging with ceramics helped me feel talented as I progressed from making tiny dishes to mugs to huge salad bowls.

It’s a fantastic way to connect with my creativity, and it feels almost meditative. Plus, I now have access to a welcoming community of potters to engage with at the studio.

Taking a break when I need it

Not everyone has the means to take time off work, but I was lucky enough to do so. Don’t get me wrong — I’m not wealthy by any means, but I do have some privileges, like a small chunk of savings and wonderful parents who let me live at their home rent-free.

When I shifted my career away from writing and found other jobs, I found myself with 2 months between me and my start date. I faced a choice — continue writing full time for 2 months or slow down the writing as I waited for my new job to start. 

Despite fears of falling behind my peers and running out of money, I did what was best for my mental health and took the time off. I maintained a few writing jobs to keep some money coming in, but other than that, I spent my time the way I wanted to spend it. I slept, watched TV, played with my dog, and mostly made ceramics.

It felt like I was going to camp on summer break as a kid, and it was some of the best months of my life. I felt so free, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get to do that again. But I took the opportunity while I could, and it helped me recharge and boost my mental health before starting full-time work.

Seeking intensive treatment

Over the past 2 years, I’ve had some seriously low moments with my depression. When I felt myself slipping so deep into the pit that I no longer trusted myself, I pushed through and forced myself into treatment.

I signed myself up for a partial hospitalization program and went through six rounds of ketamine infusions for my depression. No matter how loud my depression was, I pushed back by getting the help I needed, and I couldn’t be more thankful that I had the insight to do so.

Finding community

Depression has a tendency to make me hide away from my loved ones and stay far away from potential new friendships. But this past year, I made the choice to put myself out there in my community to make friends.

I joined a queer art club that meets every Thursday night. I have friends and pleasant acquaintances at the pottery studio. And more importantly, I’ve intentionally spent more time with friends and family than alone in my room, rotting away in my bed.

Even in moments when I wanted to hide away, I pushed through and got coffee with a friend or had dinner with my parents. Rejecting isolation and finding connections helped my depression subside.

Takeaway

Depression, for me, is a lifelong struggle. But the past couple of months have been a wonderful reprieve from the dreadful condition.

Despite my fears that depression is ever-looming in the shadows, I have hope that I can continue to make progress in my recovery journey by listening to my gut, pursuing my passions, engaging with my loved ones, and seeking out treatment even when it’s the last thing I want to do.