How to Support a Friend or Family Member with Depression

When a loved one is experiencing depression, your support and care mean a lot. Here’s a practical guide to how you can help in a productive and thoughtful way.

When someone lives with depression, their condition profoundly affects all aspects of their life, including their relationships.

Watching someone experience depression can be confusing, upsetting, and frightening, but you can choose to be an ally. Your compassion, care, and understanding can be crucial to help your friend remember that they’re loved and that support is available.

Here are some tips for supporting a friend or family member who has depression, including how to recognize depression, how to start a conversation about mental health, and how to help your loved one find depression care.

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Recognizing signs of depression

Depression isn’t always visible to other people. Your loved one may be struggling in ways you can’t necessarily see, but that doesn’t make their pain any less real.

It can also be hard for someone with depression to identify what they’re experiencing. Behavioral changes that may seem clearer to you from the outside may not be as obvious to your loved one from the inside.

There’s no singular way to experience depression, and symptoms can vary from person to person. But common symptoms include:

• sadness, hopelessness, and tearfulness
• feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and shame
• anxiety and nervousness
• restlessness
• fatigue and lack of energy
• trouble concentrating
• trouble making decisions
• emotional numbness
• withdrawal from friends and loved ones
• loss of interest in activities the person used to enjoy
• changes in sleep patterns, such as sleeping too much or too little
• physical symptoms, such as body aches and stomach problems

Is it temporary sadness or depression?

Everyone feels sad sometimes, but depression is more than just feeling sad.

Temporary sadness usually lasts a week or two and goes away on its own. Depression, on the other hand, can last longer, has more symptoms, and frequently requires treatment.

If you notice changes in your loved one’s behavior or everyday functioning that last longer than a couple of weeks, those changes may be related to a more serious mental health condition like depression.

Approaching the conversation

If you suspect that a friend or loved one is experiencing depression and you want to figure out how best to support them, you can try starting with a conversation about mental health.

Before you begin, choose an appropriate setting. The best place will often be somewhere comfortable and private, where you know your loved one feels safe. If you’re unsure, try proposing a few different locations, such as your home, their home, or a park or garden.

Then, consider inviting your friend in a way that makes it clear that there’s no pressure to accept. For example:

• “Let’s go for a walk if you feel like it.”
• “Do you want to get a coffee?”
• “I’m going to eat lunch in the park. Do you want to come?”

The conversation you’re about to have may be hard. Making sure both you and your loved one feel as comfortable as possible in advance can help things go more smoothly.

Phrases and questions to use

You may want to brainstorm some phrases and questions before you and your loved one sit down together. Coming up with what to say on the spot can be difficult, but preparation can help.

That doesn’t mean you should arrive with a list of statements and questions — you don’t want your loved one to feel interrogated or ambushed. Instead, reflect on how to have a compassionate and productive dialogue.

You could start with your observations and then encourage your loved one to speak by asking open-ended questions that show empathy and concern. Remember to be mindful of your phrasing and avoid sounding accusatory.

You might say:

• “I’ve noticed you seem down recently. Is there anything you want to talk about?”
• “It seems like you’ve been having a hard time lately. Is anything going on?”
• “You mentioned that things have been difficult recently. How are you feeling?”

Your loved one may be putting in a lot of effort to share with you. Acknowledge and honor that effort by:

• listening attentively to what they’re saying
• asking open-ended follow-up questions in line with their comfort level
• using body language to show that you’re open and you care
• validating their feelings with phrases such as “That sounds really difficult,” “I’m sorry to hear that,” or “I’m here for you no matter what”

What to avoid saying

As you navigate this important conversation about your loved one’s mental health, keep in mind that they’re in pain.

Make sure you’re actively creating a safe space for them to share what they’re experiencing without feeling judged or shamed.

Don’t:

• use judgmental or dismissive language
• minimize their emotions or invalidate their experience with phrases like “It’s all in your head” or “Just focus on the positive and stop thinking about what makes you sad”
• ask questions that imply blame (Depression isn’t anyone’s fault.)
• push them to share more than they’re comfortable with in the moment
• pressure them to feel better
• impose a recovery timeline
• offer unsolicited advice (Leave the advice and treatment plan to medical professionals.)
• give ultimatums about their mental health and your relationship

Depression can come and go and then come again. Your role is to be patient with your loved one, be present on their timeline, offer support and love, and show that you care.

Balancing space and support

As you move forward in your role as an ally to your loved one with depression, it may be helpful to find specific ways to support them.

For example, you could offer to:

• help them prepare a list of questions to ask a doctor or therapist
• drive them to and from therapy and doctor’s appointments
• go grocery shopping with them or get groceries for them
• come over to tackle household chores with them
• come over to keep them company
• make plans with them without forcing them into doing things
• set up weekly times for checking in (over text, call, email, or video chat or in person) to show that you’re there and see what other support you can offer that day

Then, follow through. Remember what your loved one says so you can offer that support again in the future.

But it’s also important to respect your loved one’s need for space and avoid making them feel overwhelmed. Finding the balance between being present and being overbearing isn’t always easy, but patience and listening can help.

If your loved one says no to something, respect that boundary without getting pushy. Try telling them you’re there for them if and when they want.

Encouraging professional help

Depression is a very real disease, and as with other diseases, you can’t grin and bear your way through it. More often than not, medical treatment is needed to help manage depression and ease the symptoms.

Encouraging your loved one to consider professional help, such as therapy, can put them on the path to recovery. Research has shown that therapy is an effective tool for treating depression and that continuing therapy beyond remission may help keep depression symptoms at bay and prolong recovery.

It’s crucial to find sensitive ways to encourage therapy without being pushy or making your loved one feel guilt or shame.

To bridge the topic, you could ask, “What do you think about the idea of going to therapy?” If you’ve gone to therapy, you could share how the process helped you.

Whatever you choose to do, actively normalize therapy and depression care throughout the conversation. After all, a therapist is a doctor like any other, and when something’s wrong, we go to the doctor. This may help make therapy seem more approachable.

Professional resources to offer

If your loved one asks for help finding a therapist, these resources may be a good place to start if you’re based in the United States:

• Find a psychologist with the American Psychological Association search tool.
• Find a psychiatrist with the American Psychiatric Association search tool.
• Find cognitive behavioral therapy specialists (including psychologists, psychiatrists, and clinical social workers) with the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies search tool.

Recognizing a mental health condition and seeking professional help often calls for strength and courage. Taking that step isn’t always immediate.

Be patient with your loved one as they make their way toward help. Let them know that you value your relationship with them and that you’re sticking around, no matter what.

The takeaway

Depression is a complex and individualized experience. There isn’t one single way that symptoms show up, and there isn’t one single solution that works for everyone.

Show your friend love, encouragement, and support as they work toward feeling their best. And be sure to care for yourself and your mental health as you go.