5 Tips That Helped Me Explain Depression to My Immigrant Father

Coping with depression is challenging on its own. Coping with depression as a child of an immigrant can present its own nuanced difficulties.

Since I was about 12 I have lived with clinical depression. My father — or Baba, as I call him — immigrated from Egypt and my mother was from New Orleans.

My parents did not have a happy marriage. I always yearned for a sense of belonging. I was never Egyptian enough, nor was I ever white enough. I didn’t know what I was. This confusion, compounded by my mother’s alcoholism and mental health issues and the fact that my father never discussed his own emotions, fueled my depression.

My mother was aware of my depression, but due to her own mental health was unable to help me. I never told Baba out of shame.

I tried to explain my depression to Baba, but he did not fully understand what it was or why I would need therapy. Mental health is not frequently discussed in Egypt.

My depression continued to spiral and I tried to end my life. I then spent 3 days in a psychiatric hospital. While at the hospital, which bore no resemblance to the ones seen in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and “American Horror Story,” I learned how to better manage my depression.

I realized I would never fully get rid of my depression, but there were ways that I could manage it.

When I first left the hospital, Baba was deeply concerned. He wanted to know how my depression had gotten this bad and what he could do to help. These were a few of the strategies I used to explain my depression to him:

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Writing a letter

One of the ways I best express my emotions is through writing, so I first wrote Baba an email. In the email, I explained when my depression started and what my day-to-day symptoms were like.

I also explained how certain phrases in my depressed brain sound. For instance, a playful comment such as, “you got a little chubby” can sound like “you are fat and useless.”

Baba understood what I wrote in the email and was very supportive. He even acknowledged his own struggles and for the first time, began to discuss his own emotions.

Relating my depression to experiences he understands

To help Baba understand what depression feels like, I asked him to think of times in his life when he was truly devastated.

He admitted to feeling devastated after receiving his PhD in Aerospace Engineering because he could not find a job right away. I explained to him that the pain and shame he felt by not getting a job right away is similar to how my depression makes me feel. By finding a common experience, Baba was better able to understand my depression.

Dr. Rachna Buxani-Mirpuri, who served as a counseling coordinator for 21 schools in the United Arab Emirates and who has extensive experience in multicultural counseling, says that relating experiences is “a very powerful technique especially to build empathy in parents who might be struggling to understand their children’s emotions.”

She explains that there are common experiences shared across families, such as the death of a loved one or heartbreak, that can be used to connect to the experience of depression.

Using “I” statements

Buxami-Mirpuri says that in Arabic culture, mental health is seldom understood and is still taboo. Since Baba never spoke about his own emotions and my mother bombarded me with hers, I bottled up all of mine.

I struggled in silence, for fear of what Baba would say about my depression and the fact that I felt he had, to some extent, contributed to it.

When I first started telling Baba about my depression, I would say “you make me feel bad about myself,” which put him on the defensive. I then shifted my language to use “I” statements, such as, “I feel sad when you tell me this” or “I feel frustrated when this happens.”

Shifting my language to state what I was feeling, and explaining why I felt that way, made more sense to Baba. This shift even led him to discuss his own emotions too.

Presenting research

Baba is, as he proudly claims, a scientist who loves research. Knowing this, I told Baba that it would be a good idea if he researched depression for himself. He turned to magazines, websites, and documentaries to gain a better understanding of the science behind depression.

Through the help of NPR and a few PBS documentaries, he understood that depression is often linked to a chemical imbalance in the brain. The scientific portion of depression made sense to him and he was able to see that my depression wasn’t imagined.

There are still moments today where Baba will send me an article that presents misconceptions or flat-out lies about depression. Buxami-Mirpuri notes that this can be a problem and that there are a number of great books to read about depression, such as “The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression” by Andrew Solomon and “First, We Make the Beast Beautiful” by Sarah Wilson.

Buxami-Mirpuri says in some cases, watching a movie such as “Silver Linings Playbook” can be helpful. However, it is crucial to make sure that the sources you’re reading or watching are accurate and reliable.

Acknowledging and respecting my father’s beliefs

Baba believes that most problems should be discussed and solved within the family, and that one should not turn to an outside stranger for help. According to Buxami-Mirpuri, this is a common belief in Arab culture.

Baba urged me to discuss my depression with him, which wasn’t always helpful since he is not a psychologist and did not have all the answers. Baba also urged me to turn to Allah (God) and rely on prayer. While prayer can be helpful for me spiritually, praying and talking to Baba didn’t help me manage my day-to-day depression.

I needed someone who could teach me coping techniques, so I have continued to see a therapist, in addition to taking antidepressants.

Rather than brush Baba off entirely, I understood that he wanted to help and wanted to be more involved in my life. I began to open up to him. The more I shared, the more he began to share about his own life and experiences.

I knew that relying on Allah wasn’t going to cure my depression, but I have taken Baba’s advice and have incorporated prayer and faith into my life. Since doing so, I have felt calmer and more at peace.

The bottom line

I am still learning how to cope with my depression, and Baba is still learning about depression and how to best support me.

Depression is complex for everyone involved. While I now have Baba’s support, I never fully had my mother’s. Even though I sometimes feel angry and sad about this, I do not dwell on it. Instead, I turn to the support of others, such as my friends who are also children of immigrants — and also have struggles with mental health — my weekly coping skills group, and my husband.

Coping with depression is challenging on its own. Coping with depression as a child of an immigrant can present its own nuanced difficulties.

Whether you are looking to involve your family in your mental health journey or not, there are many resources out there to help you navigate whatever feels right to you.