Are We Weaponizing Therapy-Speak?

Terms from therapy often pop up in our everyday language. Here’s why this is something to be cautious about.

A few months ago, I got in a huge blow-up fight with a good friend of mine. I’ll spare the details, but the crux of the fight revolved around boundaries.

I had set a boundary and asked that we don’t talk about a certain situation, and that ultimately hurt her feelings, as it was something she wanted to share with me. She later expressed that I made her feel unsafe in our friendship.

I’ve been reflecting on that fight often this summer. It was ultimately my boundary that caused the fight to explode. Was it unfair of me to express my discomfort if that discomfort ultimately caused someone else pain? Was it selfish?

Did I weaponize a boundary?

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Did Jonah Hill weaponize a boundary?

Earlier this summer, actor and comedian Jonah Hill made headlines when his ex-girlfriend, surfer Sarah Brady, posted screenshots of their text thread onto her social media.

In the alleged texts, Hill tells Brady to remove photos of herself in bathing suits from her Instagram. After she removed some of them, Hill texts, “Good start” and “I’ve made my boundaries clear. You refuse to let go of some [photos], and you’ve made that clear. And I hope it makes you happy.”

In another text, Hill allegedly writes, “If [Brady] needs surfing with men, boundary-less inappropriate friendships with men, to model, to post pictures of yourself in a bathing suit,” then they aren’t [the] right partners for each other, as “these are [his] boundaries for romantic partnership.”

It appears, to me, that Hill transformed an insecurity (i.e., his girlfriend surfing with other men or posting pictures of herself) into a boundary (i.e., don’t do this, it makes me uncomfortable) and then weaponized it as a way to manipulate and control her actions (i.e., passive-aggressively threatening a breakup if she continued with her actions.)

I suppose we’ll never know if Hill’s intention was to use his boundaries as a disguise to manipulate or control his former girlfriend. But if I’ve learned anything from therapy, it’s that an action’s impact is just as important, if not more, as an action’s intention.

Now, individuals such as Hill have every right to express their discomfort. However, the trouble comes in when that discomfort is used as a control mechanism (i.e., I don’t like this, so you must change).

Using therapy-speak in everyday language

After reading these texts, I began to think about our society’s use of therapy-speak — when people use general psychological terms previously reserved for the therapy room in their everyday vernacular.

Think about the time your friend said that they were “projecting” their own insecurities onto something else. Or when your partner mentioned that something you said about a previous relationship “triggered” them. Maybe this morning, you wanted to practice “self-care” and bought yourself that really nice, overpriced coffee.

But can these terms — if misused — do more harm than good? Are we diminishing these terms’ importance? Are we even aware that we’re doing it?

It’s not just the word “boundary” — terms such as “trauma,” “narcissist,” “triggered,” or “abuse” often find their way into daily conversations. Earlier this week, I used the word “psychopath” to describe someone I worked with.

And hey, I’m no doctor, but I’m fairly certain that person doesn’t actually fit the criteria of a “psychopath.” But the word has been thrown around so much — in media and in conversation — that it felt like a natural term to (mis)use.

I have friends who often joke that they’d like to “jump off a bridge” when something frustrating happens. I was once with a friend who tripped in front of a crowd of people. She referred to the experience as “traumatic.” Her description gave me pause. I mean, “embarrassing,” yes. “Traumatic”? I’m not so sure.

Using therapy-speak to navigate difficult situations

Viral videos and Twitter threads have spread on the internet, exposing some therapeutic blueprints for difficult situations. In 2019, a tweet from a relationship coach went viral. In it, she discusses normalizing asking people if they have “emotional capacity” to take something on.

Her template response was: “Hey! I’m so glad you reached out. I’m at capacity / helping someone else who’s in crisis / dealing with some personal stuff right now, and I don’t think I can hold appropriate space for you…”

The thread, which received more than 19,000 likes, also received criticism for comparing friendship to emotional labor and for coming across as incompassionate.

Some mental health professionals have found audiences on TikTok. One video posted by @answeranxiety, discussing breaking up with a friend, went viral earlier this year and was criticized for sounding as though corporate HR was firing an employee. Some called it robotic and callous.  

Sure, setting boundaries is important and sometimes necessary. But in using therapy-speak to do so, are we losing some of our humanity?

Is this good or bad?

I think of that fight with my friend — and yes, in setting a boundary, I hurt her feelings. But boundaries are about protecting oneself, right? Isn’t that what my therapist and I talk about weekly? Advocating for myself and my needs?

I don’t have an answer here. I see both sides. The intention was to protect myself. But the impact was that it hurt a friend.

The more exposure people have to mental health terms and vocabulary, the more opportunity there is to learn and destigmatize mental health. Therapy is expensive, and those who can’t afford it may benefit from online videos. However, misuse of terms can mislead people as they try to understand what these psychological terms actually mean.

I also worry that it diminishes its severity. If people casually say they’re “depressed,” perhaps when they’re just “sad” or “worried,” does that influence people with clinical depression to feel as though their feelings are not as severe or important? Does my use of the word “psychopath” incorrectly and comically make a joke of its seriousness?

The bottom line

Therapy-speak is now a part of our culture — and that’s a good thing. It’s a great thing that people are exploring themselves and their feelings and that they’re curious about their mental health and the communities around them.

Therapy is helpful, and it’s healing. It has changed lives. It has saved lives, including mine.

But it’s a tool. And all tools — be it a hammer or therapy — need to be wielded properly.