The Importance of Being Honest with Your Therapist

If you struggle with vulnerability in therapy, you’re not alone. Here are some tips to help you open up and improve your therapist’s ability to support you.

When I entered the therapy room for the first time 5 years ago, I was unsure of what to expect. I was nervous, I suppose, to start the process.

I’d been putting it off for months. But I was also deeply depressed. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be happy, and I worried I would never know the feeling again.

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Bringing my truth to therapy

Perhaps it’s because I was so depressed that I simply no longer cared about social norms. I didn’t have the energy to lie or to speak half-truths about my experiences. Perhaps I was hurting so deeply that I just needed someone to know what was going on in my brain, even if they were a stranger.

But when my therapist asked me why I was in the room, I told her, honestly, that I’d been fantasizing about jumping in front of New York City traffic, and the thoughts frightened me.

During that first session, without initially realizing it, I’d been laying the groundwork for what was to come. I’d already confessed to her that I was experiencing suicidal ideation — something I’d been hiding from my closest family and friends. So, why not be open about the other upsetting things that were going on in my head?

Personally, I rarely had an issue with being honest with my therapist. During my 5 years with her, I can remember one time when I “lied” to her (and, even then, it was more that I withheld how I was feeling about something she said).

For me, this honesty has been a valuable part of my therapy experience.

What you give is what you get

Therapists are mental health professionals. Mine was a doctor who was treating my mental health. It’s no different than seeing my gastroenterologist who treats my Crohn’s. If I were to lie to my gastro, I wouldn’t receive the appropriate care to feel better.

I wanted to discuss my depression with my therapist. I had the understanding that I could only expect to feel better if I told her exactly what was going on.

I’ve heard from my friends and family that they resist therapy for several reasons. Some have been intimidated by the thought of it and scared of what they might discover about themselves.

Others have felt uncomfortable with the prospect of sharing their feelings with someone who’s essentially a stranger. It’s not an uncommon occurrence.

In a 2015 study, 93% of the study participants admitted to lying to their therapists, and a 2018 study showed that 84% of the participants admitted to withholding information. 

I’m a believer that with therapy, you get back what you put in. I liken it to my high school days — if I chose not to do my homework, I could expect to get a bad grade in my class.

Similarly, if you choose to withhold information from your therapist, you’re probably less likely to work through that problem.

And, if you choose to lie to your therapist, you may be delaying the opportunity to understand yourself, your motivations, and your behaviors better.

Your therapist is simply working with what you give them. If you’re painting them a partial picture or a distorted version of it, then the care you receive may be partial or distorted as well.

Why you might be struggling to open up

Shame, I’m sure, is a big component as to why some people withhold information from their therapist or choose to lie to them.

Our behavioral motivations can be ugly, and it can be uncomfortable to face them. Better the devil you know than the one you don’t, they say.

Sometimes, we become so comfortable in our current situations that our dysfunctional feelings begin to feel functional. Change is frightening and hard.

It’s much easier to stay in what’s comfortable and familiar.

Tips to be more honest with your therapist

If you struggle with opening up to your therapist, or perhaps you find yourself lying to them more often than not, there are certain tricks that you can implement to help yourself. Here are a few options:

• Write it down: Consider preparing your talking points ahead of time and creating a list of things you’d like to discuss with your therapist. I would jot down things on my Notes app so I wouldn’t forget to bring them up in my sessions. 

• Build trust with time: You don’t have to be like me and talk about your suicidal ideation on your first go. Perhaps you’ll feel more comfortable chatting about more menial things — like annoyances at work or frustrations with your roommate — to help you establish a relationship with your therapist before digging into the bigger issues. It’s OK to talk about the smaller things first.

• Explore different ways to express yourself: The number of times I brought up movies or Taylor Swift or Beyoncé song lyrics in therapy … If you see a movie or hear a song that resonates with you, talk with your therapist about that. Show them Instagram posts or reels that feel like they were made for you. Sometimes, art represents our feelings better than we can articulate them.

• Communicate your discomfort: OK, sure, you met up with your toxic ex-boyfriend last night after SWEARING that you were done with him. And, yeah, you’re not proud about it. Rather than avoiding the conversation or lying about it, consider openly telling your therapist that you feel uncomfortable. “I want to tell you something, but I don’t know where to begin” is a great way to start. Or, “I’m not ready to talk about that quite yet” will signify to your therapist that something is going on but that they should circle back to it later.

The bottom line

Therapy is not something I would consider fun. It’s hard work, and it can be emotionally draining. But remember to challenge yourself.

If you’re struggling with opening up to your therapist, or you find yourself lying more often than not, come back to your “Whys”: Why did I start therapy? Why am I here? Why am I lying? Why don’t I feel comfortable? What am I hoping to gain from this?

It’s not really about being honest with your therapist — it’s really about being honest with yourself.